First, there is no magic spell or quick easy steps to make life make sense. All too often I see in an age of technology and a generation of convenience the hunt for the magic solution. Well, there is none. Happiness to each person can look different...
Whether it's the stereotypical leave-it-to-beaver looking family or just being alone on a beach with a good book, each person finds peace and happiness differently. So this brings me to my first point:
1. Let go of expectations...
I think of expectations as living in the future, living for tomorrow, putting your mind and heart into something that isn't here and may never be. How often do we think about how we want something to turn out only to be deeply disappointed it didn't happen that way. We are literally setting ourselves up for sadness and resentment especially if that expectation involves a significant other. I will sometimes fall back into this trap and have to catch myself when it's happening. We can still be excited about things and look forward to things but it's important for them to be without qualification. For example preparing to return from a deployment overseas and being excited about holding my wife and children. A person with expectations might add to that a fantasy of romantic evenings with candles or well-mannered kids running up to hug you. Spouses may envision their husband playing with the kids in the backyard, while she finally gets to take a break.These fantasies are like a stipulation to your happiness. If it doesn't go that way, we get disappointed and may even take it out on our partners.
Which leads me to my next piece of advice, which is to
2. Let go of regrets...
This one is much much easier said than done, but definitely worth the effort. For some it takes a lot of prayer, meditation, self-reflection and time to get there but eventually we get there. Regrets for me is like living in the past, living for yesterday, giving our time and energy dwelling on that which we can never get back again. No matter how hard we try, that decision we made, that thing we said, that relationship we lost, will never come back. And when we make peace with that, you won't even want it to. When something terrible happens in our lives, part of the coping process is to deal with the pain. Some people replay the scenario in their minds, some people stare at a photo, listen to a song or something else that reminds them of what is gone. But what they don't realize is that with each moment that ticks away, we are making a new mistake, we are letting another opportunity pass by. We are giving our present, to the past. We are giving the now, to our yesterday. This is the reason forgiveness is so unbelievably powerful, because it gives you freedom to take back the present. Think about that. You were losing days, months or years in regret and once you forgive, you regain today, the opportunity to do something good and the chance to be happy again. Forgive the person who hurt you or forgive yourself. Forgive not because it was earned; forgive because you deserve to be happy. We all do.
3. Live for today!
I know, I know. Cliche sounding right. But it's true. I use a simple mantra to help me personify this one and it goes "Be the best version of myself, moment-to-moment." Basically, whenever you're faced with a situation, imagine what the best version of you would do, then just do that. If someone is begging for a dollar, if someone cuts you off in traffic, if someone you love cops an attitude with you, if you start getting frustrated with someone at work, and so on and so on... all life's little crazy situations will come at you and we're not always gonna get it right. But we can be ourselves in those moments and the best version of you is more often than not a pretty spectacular person. Just try to be that person, moment-to-moment, as often as you can.
And this leads me to the last piece of wisdom that I've come up with. And that is...
4. Don't forget to grow...
Over time, we get busy. Busy with families, busy with work, busy with finances or relationships or school or whatever. We get too caught up with our goals to take on personal growth. Our spiritual needs require attention too. Through prayer or meditation we can reach deeper into that part of ourselves. But just as importantly, deep spirituality should be exuded, it should beam off of you. You shouldn't have to say a word, you shouldn't have to quote a single scripture and you certainly shouldn't have to judge someone else's deeds. You can understand that you have reached an inner peace when your actions are the living embodiment of your beliefs. Your morals and values are only as good as the actions you take. If you pray long enough, anyone can feel deeply holy and more devout than thou. When you get up and start acting out those beliefs, helping others, giving to the needy and guiding young people, that's when your faith has an impact. By all means read religious books, read self-help books, recite prayers, just also remember to use your example not your words as the standard of measure to the value of your faith.
I, like you, am still growing and learning. And I know that it will never stop. But I honestly feel a huge emotional and spiritual shift this past few years as I've placed more emphasis personally on the example I show to others. There will be people that may come along and try to impose their expectations on you, their judgement on you or try to control you with guilt, pain and abuse. If you notice that all the above advice was pointed at you helping yourself. Those people have to do the same. You can not heal them, they must heal themselves. Your example may help them along that path, maybe not. This would be an example of not placing expectations. You can forgive someone and distance yourself from them at the same time. Letting go of regrets and treating them with dignity and love without being close. Being the best version of yourself may mean not being close to someone who still needs to find peace for themself.
That's all I have for now... well all that these 33 years have given me. Who knows what tomorrow may bring.
